Micah has eczema.
It began 6 weeks ago. A full blown red, itchy rash covering his body from head to toe. His face is usually weepy, sometimes bloody. There is nothing that stops your heart quite like finding your baby surrounded by blood soaked sheets.
He sleeps fitfully all night and only for an hour or two at a time. He prefers the comfort of our arms to his bed. He does nap for short stretches during the day.
There are nights when I am so tired walking the floor with Micah that I'm ready to fall asleep on my feet. Those nights I wake Shane and have him take over. Many mornings I wonder if I've run a marathon in my sleep because my body is so very sore. Is it the walking or holding for hours on end?
There have been visits to various doctors. We have a drawer full of lotions and potions that don't work. Nothing has seemed to help....yet.
These past weeks many emotions have been swirling around inside...frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, sadness, confusion. Some days I want to run away. I've cried a river of tears, petitioned heaven constantly and...I've grown.
I was asked to give a talk this past Sunday. Choose your own topic, the Bishopric member said. So I chose what's on my mind...trials. I've read my talk often since then to remind myself of what I know to be true.
Sometimes I've felt guilty for my feelings. How can I be frustrated by what is happening to my baby? At least I have a baby, at least he's not dying, at least I know that this is temporary.
In the grand scheme of my life this trial is very small. That's what logic tells me but still that doesn't lessen how difficult it feels at times. I often think of what Victor Frankl wrote in Man's Search For Meaning:
"...a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the 'size' of human suffering is absolutely relative."
But there are always blessings...always.
1. As Robert Frost said, "The best way out is always through." Shane and I have to go through this. It will make us stronger, more empathetic, more patient....we will be better because of it.
2. Shane gave Micah a blessing and told him that eczema is a blessing to our family because we get the chance to see his true character...patient and sweet. Micah is still as happy as can be during the day despite his lack of sleep and his discomfort.
3. I love our little man more now than I did when he was perfectly healthy.
4. I've gained a new appreciation for Shane. I take weekday nights and he takes weekends so I can rest. He always manages to be kind and cheerful at 5:30 each morning when I wake him up to take over so I can lay down and rest for a couple of hours.
5. I can see many tender mercies in our life. Like one day Sage and I needed to make Valentine's for her class at school. Micah chose that afternoon to nap for 3 hours...first time ever. As we finished the last Valentine we heard our little man crying...perfect timing.
5. I appreciate the Savior more. "The Son of Man hath descended below all things. Art thou greater than he?" How comforting it is to know that He has already felt what I am feeling. When no one else understands He does.
A friend once told me that when hard times come remember what the scriptures say, "And it came to pass." Nothing ever comes to stay. This will pass and someday we will look back and maybe even smile when we think about this time in our lives.
