Guess who decided to show up?

This morning. Love that goofy grin.

Mr. Micah.  At church. All three hours.  First time in a year and a half.

I've been praying and hoping for this for a long time.  And I was dancing on the inside all day today.

Opening Micah's closet and seeing his little button down shirts hanging there, bought with a hopeful heart but never worn, was always a painful reminder of how far he had to go to leading a normal life.  Today, at long last, we got to put him in one of those cute little button downs; it made my heart just about burst with happiness.

Shane and I decided that since Micah is looking and feeling so good and napping so consistently that we should give the church thing a whirl.  In the past year and a half we've only attended as a family once.  We have been swapping Sundays staying home with Micah since he first got sick.

I stayed with Micah during the first hour of Nursery.  Shane was planning to stay the whole second hour but Micah was doing so well he decided to leave and it went off without a hitch.

I haven't seen Micah with kiddos his age so I really enjoyed my time in Nursery with him.  As I watched him play and occasionally interact with the other Nursery-ites (or should I say Bedlam-ites?  Name that Conference talk!) it confirmed once again that this kiddo is easy going and good-natured.

Micah was so worn out after his big day he didn't even make it through the 3-minute drive home.  Here he is snoozing away:

P.S. So I guess the question is: why is Micah better?  Well he's been doing something called Bodytalk.  I don't really understand it and it's kind of out there.  But guess what?  I don't care one bit as long as it works. Shane thinks this stuff is so out there that we now have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.  He doesn't ask what happens at our appointments and I don't tell.  But that's what I love about Shane...he may not agree with or understand the whole Bodytalk business but he's willing to try it out.  At this point we'd probably drink yak pee if someone told us that it would get Micah better. 


P.P.S.  Isn't that tie darling?  My lovely friend Em made it.

the kindness of a stranger

The card.

Micah and I limped our way through last night.

At 4:30 he wouldn't go back down (not uncommon) so I handed him over to Shane, told him that I don't think I can do this anymore, had a good cry and went back to bed. Later in the morning I woke and saw how itchy Micah was, how bad his skin looked, how much there was to do and I had another cry. I silently prayed for help all morning. A friend in the ward took Sage and Micah and I braved the grocery store. When I say brave I mean braved. On days when my emotions are at the surface I have to steel myself a bit for the stares and questions. And I have to steel myself for a wriggly, itchy Micah who will need to to be held while we shop, not so easy these days with a big belly and minimal energy.

When we got to the checkout a lovely lady ahead of us said hello and looked at Micah with such love it was unnerving. I wondered, Do I know her? Does she have a child with eczema? She started to speak to me and I started to cry. I tried to keep my sobs in check while I listened to her lovely kind words.

She handed me her card, hugged me, told me she loved me and left. More tears but this time happy tears. I like to think Heavenly Father sent this stranger to let me know that He loves me and knows what I am feeling.

The questions in my mind are still the same: "How can we get Micah better?" and "How will we manage him and a newborn?" but at least I know I'll make it through this day on the kindness of a stranger.

Notes on Pregnancy

From the front....what baby?


Ohhhh...there it is.

I had Sage take those photos because I was in denial. Until I put this belt on and suddenly instant baby bump.

It seems like everything happens a little faster the 3rd time around. I'm 14 weeks along and already I've pulled out the maternity clothes. That skirt in the picture? Maternity. These skinny jeans I'm wearing at the moment? Maternity.

And this time I felt quickening pretty darn early. Would you believe it if I said 9 weeks? That definitely surprised me. I think Shane thinks I'm imagining things.

I love being pregnant. I feel really really blessed because besides peeing 4-5 times/night (I'm up with Micah...might as well empty my bladder and be comfy), craving steak and potatoes constantly, a humongous belly in the works and feeling a bit tired pregnancy is easy peasy. No morning sickness, no back pain, no nothing. I don't think I fully appreciated how easy it is until this time; I have a feeling it might be impossible to care for Micah (day or night) if I was sick and miserable. So in the midst of all the yuckiness of eczema there are still blessings to count.

Now I just need to find a midwife. There are a dozen or more home birth midwives in Boulder alone. Yikes. I'd better get a move on it.

Life is full of surprises.

And this one will be appearing in May of next year.

Waiting for blessings.

Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.

--Joseph F. Smith

Everything's Gonna Be Alright

Playing. We treasure these happy moments as they don't come around every day.

Around 5 AM each morning I rouse Shane and he and Boo (that's Micah to you) leave on a walk (or run depending on how tired Shane is). A long walk. 2-3 hours long. Meanwhile Sage and I sleep.

Shane takes the night shift most every Friday and Saturday. It's exhausting. Micah wakes 6-8 times every night and some nights he can't be consoled and that means holding and walking for long periods of time. Just yesterday morning Shane woke me around 5 AM, handed Micah to me and off we went on a walk of our own.

Nothing like some good hills to remind me that I haven't done any exercising in 6+ months (save weekend hikes). It's sad to admit this but exercise is dead last on my list of priorities these days...sleep takes the cake. Any moment I can sleep I will.

Boo and I walked through the historic district and I admired all the gorgeous Victorians and tree lined streets. Some day we'd love to live there.

The walk was lovely but around 7th and Spruce Micah decided it was time to start scratching and there was no stopping him. The only thing to do when the scratch fest begins is pick him up and pin his arms to his side. So there I was holding a wiggling, fussy baby and pushing the B.O.B. on top of that. I sighed a few times to myself and wished for the day when Micah is healthy and happy and I won't have to lug him home 20 blocks.

We walked and walked through the early morning stillness and as we approached home I heard music blasting from a little cottage. It was Alicia Keys singing her heart out: "Everything's gonna be alright."

A tiny smile tugged at the corner of my lips as I remembered that some day Micah will be all right.

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."
-Jeffrey R. Holland

P.S. Micah is getting better slowly. We've had lots of missteps and tried everything under the sun. Finally our dear friends Bryan and Paige referred us to their friend, Jane, in Australia who has been through the same eczema hades. She is sharing with us what worked for her children and we are seeing results at long last. We hope and pray every day that maybe, just maybe, he'll be better in time for his first birthday in a month. We'll keep our fingers crossed.

Advice From a Cleaning Lady

Room 834


We could also call this post Back From the Dead (I'm only half joking). I'll get to the cleaning lady later.

We just returned home from the hospital yesterday. Micah spent 10 days there.

Two Tuesdays ago he had had watery diarrhea and vomiting for 2 days. He was doing so badly, he'd lost so much weight and was so miserable and his skin so awful that we decided to take him to the emergency room here in Boulder.

The ER doc said, "No biggie" and sent us on to our GP who said, "I have no idea what to do for him," and sent us on to another doc who said, "I can't help but try this doc." Finally we ended up on the phone with a pediatrician. The ped said, "Let's see him in the morning," and I said "I don't think we should wait." Happily, the pediatrician agreed that I should go with my gut and take him ASAP. We would have taken him no matter what the ped said but it's nice to have a little affirmation.

Around 7:45 PM that night Shane and I were in the ER of Denver Children's Hospital. After almost 5 hours of waiting and talking intermittently with a doc and starting a glucose IV, Micah was admitted. He and I spent the wee hours of the morning talking to the docs on the 8th floor and then finally around sunrise fell asleep.

Each day was filled with doctor's visits, blood tests, IV's and nurses checking vitals (blood pressure, temp, pulse). Micah even had a small surgery. Because he was so dehydrated they couldn't keep an IV in so they put him under anesthesia and inserted a catheter, that ran from his arm to his heart. The PIC line (catheter) was a huge blessing because it allowed them to easily draw blood (twice a day) and give him IV fluids and supplements (like albumin). He also had an NG tube (feeding tube) for 5 days. ANother huge blessing that allowed him to be fed and given supplements easily.

In a nutshell here is what went wrong: Micah is extremely allergic to milk which we suspected since his eczema began soon after we started supplementing with formula. When kids are so allergic their colons get irritated (acute colitis) and stop absorbing protein. Lack of protein was the cause of Micah's weight loss, his extreme lethargy and irritability. His electrolyte levels were all low (scary because that can quickly cause problems) as well his zinc levels and Vitamin D. Bad news all around there.

We spent 10 days in the hospital getting his electrolytes back to normal. He stopped the donor milk (and my milk) he was drinking and started on a hypoallergenic formula; doing that allowed his skin to heal quite a bit. He looks so much better but there's still a ways to go. I don't particularly like the formula (causes lots of problems: constipation, diaper rash, a new rash on top of eczema) but it's helping him until we can switch him onto solids. He gained two pounds while we were there and returned to the happy, sweet Micah we haven't seen in a very long time.

The weeks leading up to his admission were pure agony. I cried every day, many times a day. I prayed constantly for wisdom to know how to help him. I was awful and mean and on edge (just ask Sage and Shane). But as soon as we stepped into the hospital the tears stopped and I felt a calm and peace that I haven't felt in many months.

This was a very hard time but as always there were glorious moments.

• Holding Micah in my arms and watching the sun spread across the sky early one morning.
  

• Watching him improve before my eyes and start playing and laughing again. It is pure joy hearing him giggle and chatter.
  

• Realizing amidst all the sadness of a Children's Hospital that eczema really isn't so bad. There are so many other parents and children who suffer through far more terrible things. I met a mom whose 20-month-old son is on his third round of chemo. Another dad has an 18-month-old who has had a 6 month stay due to heart problems. And there were many others.

One night one of the staff housekeeping came to empty our trash. She asked a few questions about Micah's condition, admonished me to pray and shared some wisdom:

"Prayer and medicine work together."

Truer words were never spoken.

God is watching over all.

I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I like to sleep in my spare time these days but I ought to put a few things down so I don't forget.

Sage, Micah and I spent 5 weeks in Virginia with my family. We went in part to try a new treatment for Micah and in bigger part to be taken care of. It was wonderful to be loved and fed fabulous food and have the chance to nap any time I wanted to and to know that Sage and Micah were well taken care of. One night my parents took Micah all night so I could sleep, my first full night of rest since his birth. I feel so grateful to have such loving parents and siblings. Those weeks were rejuvenating and I felt ready to return home, knowing it would be hard but feeling ready for the challenge.

Thanks to mom's gift giving proclivity we left VA with much more than we came with. This meant that in addition to checking luggage we had to carry on a small suitcase, stroller, cooler (full of milk for M.), Sage's backpack and a purse. When I arrived at the airport I wondered how this day would go. I anticipated that it might be Hades. But....Sage was an angel, cheerful and thrilled to be traveling (ok ok she's almost always cheerful but still...). She either pushed the stroller (heavy laden with the cooler and my purse, her backpack) or pulled the little suitcase all through the airport and onto the plane. All along the way people offered help carrying things. When we got on the plane we randomly chose a seat by a nice looking middle-aged lady...hands down the best decision I've made in a long time. Turns out Terry is a 2nd grade teacher and a mom. Perfect. I warned her that there might be crying, she smiled and said she understood.

Little did she know.

Sage was happy and Micah fussed a little here and there. Pretty soon Micah had a blowout (of the poopy variety). I left a sleeping Sage with Terry and headed to the bathroom. No extra pants so those poopy pants went right back on Micah...poor kid. I returned and Terry told me that Sage woke up, cried a little and went back to sleep...phew!

Halfway through the flight I heard a cough coming from Sage. You know that cough mamas....the dreaded puking cough. I freeze and move like a turtle when crisis comes but thankfully my seatmate was on the ball and had her vomit bag open and handed it to me. I handed Terry a crying, squirming Micah and I managed to get the bag to Sage and Sage took the rest on her clothes. A few wipes, a fresh sweatshirt, a little drink and Sage was good as new.

We settled back into our seats. Pretty soon came Round 2 of puking. Then Round 3. each time Terry held a very unhappy Micah while I cleaned Sage up. What an angel! As we were getting ready to deplane Sage threw up one last time.

The point of this story?

Heavenly Father sent some tender mercies my way...I felt cool as cucumber the whole day in spite of our challenges. He sent kind people to help me make it through the day. One lady I talked to as we waited for our plane to arrive promised to pray for Micah by name. There is so much good in the world and so many kind people.

Every night I sing this little song to Micah:

God has numbered in the sky
All the stars that shine on high
worlds so great and sparrows small,
God is watching over all.

I know he is watching over my little family.

Lessons

Micah has eczema.

It began 6 weeks ago. A full blown red, itchy rash covering his body from head to toe. His face is usually weepy, sometimes bloody. There is nothing that stops your heart quite like finding your baby surrounded by blood soaked sheets.

He sleeps fitfully all night and only for an hour or two at a time. He prefers the comfort of our arms to his bed. He does nap for short stretches during the day.

There are nights when I am so tired walking the floor with Micah that I'm ready to fall asleep on my feet. Those nights I wake Shane and have him take over. Many mornings I wonder if I've run a marathon in my sleep because my body is so very sore. Is it the walking or holding for hours on end?

There have been visits to various doctors. We have a drawer full of lotions and potions that don't work. Nothing has seemed to help....yet.

These past weeks many emotions have been swirling around inside...frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, sadness, confusion. Some days I want to run away. I've cried a river of tears, petitioned heaven constantly and...I've grown.

I was asked to give a talk this past Sunday. Choose your own topic, the Bishopric member said. So I chose what's on my mind...trials. I've read my talk often since then to remind myself of what I know to be true.

Sometimes I've felt guilty for my feelings. How can I be frustrated by what is happening to my baby? At least I have a baby, at least he's not dying, at least I know that this is temporary.

In the grand scheme of my life this trial is very small. That's what logic tells me but still that doesn't lessen how difficult it feels at times. I often think of what Victor Frankl wrote in Man's Search For Meaning:

"...a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the 'size' of human suffering is absolutely relative."

But there are always blessings...always.

1. As Robert Frost said, "The best way out is always through." Shane and I have to go through this. It will make us stronger, more empathetic, more patient....we will be better because of it.

2. Shane gave Micah a blessing and told him that eczema is a blessing to our family because we get the chance to see his true character...patient and sweet. Micah is still as happy as can be during the day despite his lack of sleep and his discomfort.

3. I love our little man more now than I did when he was perfectly healthy.

4. I've gained a new appreciation for Shane. I take weekday nights and he takes weekends so I can rest. He always manages to be kind and cheerful at 5:30 each morning when I wake him up to take over so I can lay down and rest for a couple of hours.

5. I can see many tender mercies in our life. Like one day Sage and I needed to make Valentine's for her class at school. Micah chose that afternoon to nap for 3 hours...first time ever. As we finished the last Valentine we heard our little man crying...perfect timing.

5. I appreciate the Savior more. "The Son of Man hath descended below all things. Art thou greater than he?" How comforting it is to know that He has already felt what I am feeling. When no one else understands He does.

A friend once told me that when hard times come remember what the scriptures say, "And it came to pass." Nothing ever comes to stay. This will pass and someday we will look back and maybe even smile when we think about this time in our lives.

Golden Slumbers

When Sage was born my sister-in-laws made me promise that I would sleep train her. I read half a dozen book on the subject and at 11 weeks we went to work. It was easy and we were happy.

Sage

Night 1: cried 30 minutes
Night 2: cried 40 minutes
Night 3: cried 30 minutes
Night 4: slept 12 hours straight (plus 2-2 hour naps during the day)

For some strange reason when it comes to Micah I have no will power and I waited 17 (long) weeks to sleep train him. We finally took the plunge last week.

Micah

Night 1: cried 2.5 hours (plus 2 night wakings with lots more crying)
Night 2: cried 3 hours (plus 1 night waking)
Night 3: cried 1 hour
Night 4: Some crying

Yikes! I'm not sure if he's just more persistent than Sage or if he can cry longer because he's older.

It was painful to hear him cry so much but the payoff is huge: a happier baby and two rested parents.

Jelly Belly

Can't show you the current state of the belly but here it is with 10.5 lbs of Micah in it

I was pumping the other day, tummy fully exposed, when Sage came along,

"Your tummy is fat mama!"

Yep. The cold hard truth from my toddler.

Bitter and Sweet

And baby makes 4

One of my favorite scriptures reads, "...they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good." Fitting words for the first week of Micah's life.

The bitter:

• Getting used to nursing (two words...bad latch)
• Whiplash from all the nodding off during night feedings (kidding...sort of)
  

The sweet:

• Micah being born just a few hours before my sister had to catch a plane back to NYC
• Holding Micah, kissing Micah, watching him sleep
  
• Watching Shane and Sage hold and kiss Micah
• Watching Grandma Mia enjoy our little man
  

The bittersweet:

• Being released from my calling as Primary President...it's been a fun ride these past 3 years
  

He's here!

Micah Elias

10 lbs. 8 oz.
21 inches

Born this morning at home.
Everything went beautifully.

Brilliant

One of my favorite blogs, A Little Sussy, recently featured an interview with her mom.

Lots of wisdom from this mama. A few tidbits:

What’s your secret to raising all girls?
To keep the emotions down with girls, I just didn’t allow it. If they fought or screamed, it was handled right then. It they argued about something, they had to be the other one’s servant for the day. Depending on the problem -- we had to serve each other. We did time out. Our tub was time out, there’s nothing to do in a cold hard tub.

Hardest thing about motherhood?
I don’t think it’s hard, it’s just time. Spreading out your time equally and efficiently and being able to getting everything done—that’s the hard thing. But I think it’s just fun. I can’t imagine doing anything else.

Amen.

10 Ways for Mothers To Spend Effective Time With Their Children

While searching for a quote today I found this on a blog. Just what I needed. It's quoted directly from Ezra Taft Benson's "To the Mothers in Zion."

First, take time to always be at the crossroads [ie, in the home] when your children are either coming or going--when they leave and return from school--when they leave and return from dates--when they bring friends home. Be there at the crossroads whether your children are six or sixteen. In Proverbs we read: "A child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame" (Proverbs 29:15). Among the greatest concerns in our society are the millions of latchkey children who come home daily to empty houses unsupervised by working parents.

Second, mothers, take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children.

Third, mothers, take time to read to your children. Starting from the cradle, read to your sons and daughters. Remember what the poet said, "You may have tangible wealth untold; Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold. Richer than I you can never be--I had a mother who read to me" (Strickland Gillilan, "The Reading Mother"). You will plant a love for good literature and a real love for the scriptures if you will read to your children regularly.


Fourth, take time to pray with your children. Family prayers, under the direction of the father, should be held morning and night. Have your children feel of your faith as you call down the blessings of heaven upon them. Paraphrasing the word of James: "The . . . fervent prayer of a righteous [mother ] availeth much" (James 5: 16 ). Have your children participate in family and personal prayers and rejoice in their sweet utterances to their Father in Heaven.



Fifth, take time to have a meaningful weekly home evening. With your husband presiding, participate in a spiritual and an uplifting home evening each week. Have your children actively involved. Teach them correct principles. Make this one of your great family traditions. Remember the marvelous promise made by President Joseph F. Smith when home evenings were first introduced to the Church: "If the Saints obey this counsel, we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influences and temptations which beset them." This wonderful promise is still in effect today.

Sixth, take time to be together at mealtimes as often as possible. This is a challenge as the children get older and lives get busier. But happy conversation, sharing of the day's plans and activities, and special teaching moments occur at mealtime because mothers and fathers and children work at it.


Seventh, take time daily to read the scriptures together as a family. Individual scripture reading is important, but family scripture reading is vital. Reading the Book of Mormon together as a family will especially bring increased spirituality into your home and will give both parents and children the power to resist temptation and to have the Holy Ghost as their constant companion. I promise you that the Book of Mormon will change the lives of your family.

Eighth, take time to do things together as a family. Make family outings and picnics and birthday celebrations and trips special times and memory builders. Whenever possible, attend as a family, events where one of the family members is involved, such as a school play, a ball game, a talk, a recital. Attend Church meetings together and sit together as a family when you can. Mothers who help families pray and play together will stay together and will bless children's lives forever.

Ninth, mothers, take time to teach your children. Catch the teaching moments. This can be done anytime during the day--at mealtime, in casual settings, or at special sit-down times together, at the foot of the bed at the end of the day, or during an early morning walk together. Mothers, you are your children's best teacher. Don't shift this precious responsibility to day-care centers or babysitters. A mother's love and prayerful concern for her children are her most important ingredients in teaching her own.
Teach children gospel principles. Teach them it pays to be good. Teach them there is no safety in sin. Teach them a love for the gospel of Jesus Christ and a testimony of its divinity. Teach your sons and daughters modesty and teach them to respect manhood and womanhood. Teach your children sexual purity, proper dating standards, temple marriage, missionary service, and the importance of accepting and magnifying Church callings.
Teach them a love for work and the value of a good education. Teach them the importance of the right kind of entertainment, including appropriate movies, and videos, and music, and books, and magazines. Discuss the evils of pornography and drugs and teach them the value of living the clean life.
Yes, mothers, teach your children the gospel in your own home, at your own fireside. This is the most effective teaching that your children will ever receive. This is the Lord's way of teaching. The Church cannot teach like you can. The school cannot. The day-care center cannot. But you can, and the Lord will sustain you. Your children will remember your teachings forever, and when they are old, they will not depart from them. They will call you blessed--their truly angel mother. Mothers, this kind of heavenly, motherly teaching takes time--lots of time. It cannot be done effectively part time. It must be done all the time in order to save and exalt your children. This is your divine calling.

Tenth and finally, mothers, take the time to truly love your children. A mother's unqualified love approaches Christlike love.

My Christmas Wish....

...came true.

Baby #2 debuting in late July

Be Still My Heart

A few moments in mamahood have made my breath catch in my throat and stilled my heart for a moment:

The first tinkle on the little plastic potty.

The first spontaneous "I love you"

And now I give you...the first drawing of a face (recently preceded by the first written letter "H")

More Joy

A few days ago I realized that I need to be like Sage and find joy in the little moments. Children are naturals at finding joy in the small things of life...snails, swinging and silly words. So glad I have a lovely 3-year old to be my teacher.